


By Your Side

by LittleSass



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 14:55:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7762285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSass/pseuds/LittleSass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a loss as devastating as this happens, everyone needs to look to each other for strength and comfort. It's not any one player's fault. If they lose, they lose as a team. They won't let any one of them go through this alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By Your Side

**Author's Note:**

> I can't even believe what happened. I'm still not over it. But I wrote this and it helped a little. It was equal parts heartbreaking and therapeutic. I hope you like it.

The locker room was full of tears and nothing was going to change that.

Near the middle of the room there was a circle forming around one person. One person who was beating herself up for what happened. One person who was shouldering all the blame even if she shouldn’t. One person who was crying her eyes out now that she was no longer in the view of the public eye. One person whose shoulder-wracking sobs broke the hearts of all her teammates.

_It’s not your fault._

_It happens._

_You didn’t do anything wrong._

_No one blames you._

_We’ll overcome this._

_This isn’t the end._

_We’re here for you._

_You’re good._

_You’re okay._

The words kept swirling in her head, but wouldn’t settle in her brain. All she could feel when looking into everyone’s eyes was absolute guilt.

They were all counting on her and she blew it.

The only thing she could clearly remember from the entire tournament was that moment. She can vividly picture in her mind stepping up to that spot, placing the ball down and backing up a little. The few short breaths she took didn’t help calm the nerves and tremendous amount of pressure she was feeling.

The second the ball left her foot, she was devastated. She could do nothing else but stand there and watch as the ball sailed over the net. The bubble she had placed herself in before walking to the net burst. All of a sudden her ears were filled with the cheers of the crowd who wanted to see the U.S. fail. No longer were their voices muffled, they rang loud and clear.

Hesitantly, she lifted her head towards the group of women wearing uniforms matching her own. Even from afar she could see their lips pressed into a hard line. Her shoulders sagged as she tried to keep the tears at bay. The long walk back was tough.

Without thinking, she turned her head to Hope. She was afraid of what she might see. She had just made the woman’s job that much harder. However the keeper’s normal cold hard stare was absent for the slightest of moments when their eyes met. Instead, Christen was met with a look that Hope saved only for the members on this team. A look that she gave Julie last year.

_Don’t beat yourself up, kid._

It was gone the next second. Christen was perplexed. She assumed that Hope would hate her, that the whole team would hate her and blame her for this mess.

That was never the case. Even when they all watched with baited breath as Sweden slotted their last goal, there was no hate. The team gathered to take the weight of the loss together.

Julie hadn’t left her side since the moment they were dismissed to the locker room. Kelley came and helped Julie with Christen while she took a shower, but other than that, the blonde was hesitant in leaving her.

The entire time they were in there, Christen felt a pair of eyes on her. She knew whose they were. They were begging her to look up, but her strong resolve won out and her eyes remained glued to the floor.

The owner of those brown eyes never approached her.  

Christen didn’t remember much following the events of the locker room. The only thing she really registered was a small body almost attaching itself onto her own. Looking down, she saw young Mal clutching onto her. From the locker room to the bus, from the bus to the hotel, Mallory Pugh was there. Even when they reached their floor, Mallory had skipped past the room she was sharing with Kelley, in favor of the one Christen was entering.

Upon entering the room, Mal led the older woman to the bed and laid her down. She crawled onto the bed, cuddling up to Christen’s side. Nothing was said or done. They just laid there. Christen pulled the girl closer when she felt a wet spot forming on her shirt from where Mal’s head was resting.

Christen wasn’t sure if it was for her or the little’s own benefit, but she didn’t care. She craved the bodily contact that this girl was offering her. It was different from everyone else. The bond they created was different from everyone else.

She used to laugh when she heard that the fans had dubbed her Mama Press and the youngest addition to their team her Baby Mal. But right now, she felt like she was beginning to understand why. They had a relationship that reminded Christen of her relationship with her own mom.

If she was at home with her mom right now, she’d be in Mal’s position. And maybe that’s what made her feel slightly better. They were able to share a moment like this together.

Neither one was sure how long they have been laying there, quietly crying together. They didn’t even flinch when they heard the door open and a flurry of soccer of players flood the room. One by one they all entered the room to offer their silent support.

The bed dipped down on the side opposite of Mal. A freckled defender occupied the space and drew her best friend into her arms, pressing kisses to the side of her head.

A body settled itself at the foot of the bed, moving one hand to rest on Christen’s thigh. A striker missing her trademark pink pre-wrap was sitting there, not with eyes of sympathy but with eyes of understanding.

Next to her, a body sat hunched over as they reached for Christen’s hand to give it a squeeze. A blonde centerback, whom Christen shared so many memories with dating back to when they were kids, reassured her that they would get through this together just like they have any other time.

On the edge of the bed, by Mal’s feet, was a girl who’s been by her side from the start. A blonde defender, who had gone through a similar feeling of guilt last year, rubbed her hand up and down Christen’s shin, mouthing words that were meant to comfort.

With no more room on the bed, the other players had to look for another spot to sit. Some sat on the other bed. A few sat in the small space between the bed and the wall, their backs against the wall and heads laying on the person next to them.  

It was quiet. No one had anything to say. They all just needed to be around each other. They didn’t want to be alone.

Christen thought she wanted to be alone after a game like that, but she was never more grateful for her teammates than right now. A part of her wanted them to leave her alone, so she could pretend that none of what just transpired was real. But a bigger part of her knew that no matter how upset, sad, or disappointed the ladies in this room were for not continuing onto the later stages of the tournament, they were here for her and didn’t blame her for what happened.

It’s a cruel part of the sport and it happens sometimes, even to the people who don’t deserve to experience so much heartache.

Notably absent from the group were some of the veterans. The absence of a few didn’t bother Christen much, but it was the absence of one person in particular that burned a hole through her heart.

A reminder of what they have lost, not just missing out on a gold medal, but missing out on the journey of a lifetime came to mind with that person’s absence. For once they hadn’t made it to the final of an Olympic tournament. For once they weren’t going to medal. For once they had let down their fans.

And she couldn’t help but feel like it was all her fault.

The tears returned full force and her teammates did all they could to console her until she finally cried herself to sleep.

 

* * *

 

It was getting later in the day. Mallory and Whitney had tried to convince her to come down to dinner. They had failed.

Despite almost the whole team holeing up in this room just a few hours ago, Christen wasn’t sure if she was ready to leave and see them again.

Mallory had offered, more like demanded, that if Christen were to stay then she would stay with her. The youngster wasn’t ready to leave her side. Christen told the young girl to head down and get something to eat. She told them that she needed a little time alone. Mallory had protested, but Christen promised that as soon as the young girl had finished eating she could come back up and they could cuddle all night if she wanted.

Once they were gone, Christen took in her surroundings. The quietness of the room was both comforting and depressing. But she felt like this was what she needed, a moment to sort through her thoughts no matter how bad they were.

She got up from the bed and started pacing a little bit.

_This is your fault._

_You cost everyone everything._

_You let everyone down._

_We didn’t even make it to Rio._

_And it’s because of you._

As these thoughts continued to swim through her mind, she could feel the moisture building up in her eyes. She sat on her bed and sniffled but she didn’t feel right. Instead she stripped the bed of the comforter and walked over to the corner of the room.

She sat down, using half of the comforter to cushion her seat a bit and the other half to wrap around her shoulders. Her back to one wall, her head resting against the others.

She’s not completely sure why, but she felt this position was more fitting for her situation. She lost herself in her head once again as those depressing thoughts made their presence known. She didn’t bother wiping at her tears. There was no one around to see her right now.

She was broken out of her thoughts by a the click of the lock and the opening of the door.

“Chris.” She heard a voice call out quietly from the doorway.

She knew that voice. She buried herself further into the corner of the room and brought the blanket around herself tighter, not uttering a single word. In truth, Christen was hoping that maybe the midfielder would just leave.

Ever since she missed her PK, Christen found it near impossible to face her girlfriend. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to handle the disappointment and sympathy she convinced herself that she would see. She just wanted to be alone and wallow in self-pity.

“Babe, it’s dinnertime. You should come down and eat.” It’s the first time she heard that voice directed at her almost all day. The voice was much thicker and scratchier than normal, no doubt from the girl crying early as well.

Christen shook her head, still hiding in her blanket. The second she felt Tobin’s hand on her shoulder she shook it off.

Tobin masked her hurt the best she could. When she realized that Christen wasn’t going to say anything or move anytime soon, the older woman took a seat next to her. There was a considerable amount of distance placed between the two, one that had become too foreign to either one over the last year or so.

“I’m sorry.” The apology shocked Christen, but she still kept her mouth shut. “I should have been next to you the entire time. I shouldn’t have been avoiding you. You just wouldn’t look at me and I was wondering if you even wanted me there. But I know you needed me there and I should have been.”

“I let you down.” Christen whispered, not even addressing Tobin’s apology.

Immediately, Tobin scooted over and wrangled Christen into her arms. She left a lingering kiss on the girl’s head before reassuring her that she did nothing wrong.  “Oh no, babe. You could never let me down. You know that.”

“You were supposed to get your third gold medal. And I couldn’t even get you that.”

“This isn’t all on you. It’s on all of us. The second you got into the game, you were playing your heart out. That’s all anyone could ask for.”

“I missed my PK.”

“It happens. No one blames you.” Tobin started off, tilting Christen’s chin up so that she could look her in the eyes. “Are we upset? Yes, but it’s not because you missed your PK. We all are responsible. We should have put that game away early. We didn’t. You did nothing wrong. Anyone one who thinks you did can come fight me.”

“But I missed. I needed to score and I couldn’t even do that. From the PK spot of all places, I missed.”

“Shootouts are a mental game. They aren’t the best judge of the better team. Jill had no business slotting you in the #5 spot. You need confidence going in. You build confidence by playing adequate minutes and playing well.” Tobin used one hand to brush a few strands of hair away from Christen’s face. “Jill didn’t give you that chance. If she didn’t give you that chance, then she shouldn’t have put all that pressure on you. It’s a lot to ask of anyone.”

Christen turned her head into the crook of Tobin’s neck and started bawling. The kind where it’s pointless to try to wipe at the tears. She was hiccupping between sniffles and her hands grasping at Tobin’s shirt.

The midfielder pulled her into her lap and let her cry. She wanted her to get it all out. It won’t change anything but it would help her feel better. Even if it was only a little bit. Tobin tried to keep her own tears from falling. She wanted to be strong for Christen.

When Christen was able to get a hold of her emotions and stop crying, Tobin lowered her so that she was sitting on the floor between her legs. Her chin rested on the forward’s shoulder as they both looked down at their hands. She held one of Christen’s hand in each one of hers. Her right twisting and playing with the ring on Christen’s right hand, her left thumb stroking the empty spot on Christen’s left ring finger.

“2011.” Tobin started to say almost out of nowhere. “We had already missed the first two. I knew that I had to score for us to have any chance of winning. I walked over and kicked the ball up into my hands. I spun it around a few time before finding my sweet spot and setting it down. I took a few steps back and took my shot.”

She stopped long enough to place her hands on Christen’s thighs, palm face up. Christen took the hint and placed hers on top. “We both know how that ended. I know what you’re going through. Feeling like you let the team down. That you just blew your chance to prove yourself. That maybe you should just give up soccer.”

Christen’s lowered her head. “I should.”

“No, you shouldn’t.” Tobin said emphatically. “If I had given up soccer then and there, I wouldn’t be the player I am today. I wouldn’t have won another gold medal in 2012. I wouldn’t have become a World Cup champion. And most importantly, I wouldn’t have gotten to fall in love with you.”

Tobin leaned over and pressed a kiss to the corner of Christen’s mouth.

“I don’t care about that medal. That’s not the most important thing to me.” Tobin finally interlaced their fingers together and gave them a squeeze. “You are. I just want to see you smile again because I haven’t seen it since the game ended.”

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

“You can. The difference between what happened to me and what happened to you is that you’re not alone. I didn’t have someone that loved me the way I love you by my side. The team could console me all they wanted, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t have someone who would hug me and kiss me and tell me everything’s going to be alright. I didn’t have someone who was going to sit by my side no matter how many times I begged them to leave me alone. I didn’t have you.”

Tears were making an appearance on Christen’s face again. This time however it was not from the weight of the world being thrown on her shoulder as everything spun out of control. This time it was because of the everlasting love she had for the woman in front of her. Tobin Powell Heath.

Christen turned in Tobin’s arm, placing a hand on each side of Tobin’s face. “Thank you.” She pressed a kiss to the girl’s lips, hoping it would be everything she needed it to be in that moment. “I love you. So so much.”

“I love you.” Tobin responded with a genuine smile. The first one she’s been able to put on all day.

Turning back around, Christen let her body be enveloped by Tobin’s. She leaned her head back to rest on Tobin’s shoulder. Her eyes closed of her their accord. She was going to soak in the peace she felt in the world for right now. She knew this moment wouldn’t last forever, so she had to cherish it. Come tomorrow, everything would come flooding back in.

“Look at the brightside. You and I both missing our PKs during major tournaments must mean that we were destined to be together.” Tobin joked. It may not have been the best thing to say, but it was the only other thing Tobin could come up with.

The desired effect was produced when Christen let out a small giggle. It was far from what it usually sounds like, but it was a laugh nonetheless. Baby steps.

Tobin pressed an innocent kiss to Christen’s shoulder followed by one on her neck. She pulled Christen in as close as humanly possible before turning to whisper in her ear.

“You and I, we’re going to do this together. We are going to stay on this team, no r-word, and we are going to overcome this. We are going to put this behind us. Whenever possible, we’ll eat, sleep, and train together. The both of us are going to make the 2019 World Cup and the 2020 Olympic rosters and no one can tell us otherwise.”

“If Carli Lloyd can do it, so can we.” Christen said, drawing a real laugh from the both of them.

“Together?”

“Together.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.


End file.
